Scene 1 (Grinch's kitchen)

(The Grinch sits at table opening mail. He opens an official-looking letter and his face looks shocked.)

Grinch: Oh dear. Cindy-Lou, can you come in here please?

(Cindy-Lou enters and looks at Grinch.)

Cindy-Lou: What is it oh Grinchy dear?
What is it that fills you so full of fear?

Grinch: 'Tis the police, my dearest Cindy-Lou. I must go to court upon the morrow.

Cindy-Lou: Upon what charge will you be tried'
Do you want your sausages baked or fried'

Grinch: I will be charged with the theft of Christmas. And fried, please.

[End]

Scene Two (Courtroom)

(General courtroom banter. Courtroom atmosphere of tension with ambient music.)

Bailiff: Silence in court. All rise for the judge.

(Court cast rise. Judge enters.)

Bailiff: Judge residing over the case of the people versus Mr Grinch.

Judge: Mr Grinch, you stand here before a jury of your peers accused of the theft of Christmas. How 
do you plead?

Defence: Not guilty, your honour.

Grinch: Er, yeah, that's right. I never done nothing. I wasn't even there.

Judge: (Hitting mallet.) That's enough, Mr Grinch, you're in no position to speak right now. And if you speak again, I shall hold you in contempt of court. I call the prosecution to the bench.

(Prosecution rises.)

Prosecution: Certainly, your honour. I put it to you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury that the man brought here before you today, charged with this most terrible of crimes, is none other than the same Mr Grinch brought into the public eye by the nineteen-seventies Dr Seuss crime novel, 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.'

(Gasps from the jury.)

Prosecution: That's right.

Defence: Objection, your honour! Is the prosecution implying that because my client featured in a work of fiction, he is automatically incriminated'

Judge: Sustained. Mr Prosecution, continue.

Prosecution: No, I'm implying that the defendant is a dirty rotten thief, and his counsel' smells!

Defence: Umm! That is soooooooooo not true!

Prosecution: Shut it you.

Judge: You two, behave.

Prosecution: I call my first witness to the stand.

Judge: Call the first witness.

Bailiff: First witness!

(Enter Peta Pan. Grinch looks worried as witness takes the stand. Defence whispers to Grinch. Peta Pan takes the oath.)

Bailiff: Place your right hand on this Bible and repeat after me. 'I, Peter Pan, do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.'

Peta Pan: I, Peta Pan, do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Judge: You may proceed with your questioning, Mr Prosecution

(Prosecution rises and walks forward with an air of confidence.)

Prosecution: So, Ms Pan. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Peta Pan: Well, I'm a post-modernist feminist activist, and I'm nothing at all like my cousin Peter. 
Prosecution: Now, Ms Pan, please recount the events that occurred on the 24th of December of this year, starting at the beginning and ending at the end.

Peta Pan: Well, it was like this. I was in bed, looking forward to the next day's festivities and the many presents that I would acquire ' I do like presents ' 

Judge: Is this relevant Ms Pan'

 Peta Pan: Sorry your honour. Well, I heard this banging coming from downstairs. Now at first I thought that it was the Lost Boys or maybe Tinkerbell, stopping by to give me more presents, so I gets up and floats downstairs. It's all dark, like, downstairs, except for the fairy lights on the tree. I can here this rustling noise from under the tree, so at this point, I'm thinking they've got me something really big. I creeps over to the light switch and turns 'em on'

(Lights dim.)

[End]

Scene Three (Peta Pan's living room)

(Living room set. Christmas tree in centre with presents etc. etc.)

(Lights up.)

(Grinch is rustling around under tree. He is surprised when the lights switch on.)

Peta Pan: What are you doing'

Grinch: Er, um.

Peta Pan: Where are my presents'

Grinch: Er'um'

Peta Pan: What have you done with them'

Grinch: Er, what presents' I was just making sure that your tree don't catch fire.

Peta Pan: Oh yeah'

Grinch: Yeah. Thousands of Christmas trees spontaneously catch fire every year due to negligent 
owners forgetting to switch off fairy lights. Well known fact, that is.

Peta Pan: Right. Next you'll be telling me that women shouldn't vote.

Grinch: Nah, it's true. Even plastic trees catch fire.

Peta Pan: Right then, so where are my presents'

Grinch: There weren't any presents. They were gone when I got here. And a good thing I came, because the tree was beginning to singe and there was a distinct smell of smoke in the house.

Peta Pan: Yeah, well what's this, then'

(Pulls sack full of presents from behind unspecified object.)

Grinch: Well, that looks distinctly like a sack full of presents, which are also a major fire hazard, I may add, due to the large amounts of paper and sticky tape.
(Enter Tinkerbell.)

Tinkerbell: What's all this racket, Pete' And who's this geeza in the santa outfit'

Peta Pan: It's Peta, actually, and he's a present-thief.

Grinch: No, I'm a fire prevention officer.

[The Fire Safety Song]

(Dance during song.)

Peta Pan: So why have you got a sack full of my presents then'

Grinch: It wasn't me. I told you, thousands of Christmas trees spontaneously catch fire every year due to negligent owners forgetting to switch off fairy lights. Well known fact, that is.

Tinkerbell: And did you know that it's a well known fact that the traditional Danish Christmas tree is lit with real candles, not coloured bulbs. Woven between the homemade paper hearts, hanging baskets filled with chocolates and ornate paper stars, strings of tiny Danish flags complete the decoration along with a star in the treetop, which I think you'll find is a far greater fire hazard, and next year, maybe next year you should concentrate on Denmark instead of my living room.

Grinch: Ah-ha, but did you know that according to Hallmark research, 78% of people chose to celebrate Christmas by listening to music, but only 68% celebrate by cooking or baking'

Peta Pan: Well, I personally chose not to bake or cook because I feel that it is a symbol of male oppression against today's progressive females. But getting back to the point, why are you in my living room, and don't give me that lame fire hazard excuse.

(Enter Lost Boys.)

Head Lost Boy: What's all this commotion, Pete' And who's this dodgy-looking fella dressed in the red and white' He best not be a Bristol City supporter'

2nd Lost Boy: Yeah, we hate Bristol City, don't we, lads'

Judge: (Hitting mallet from offstage.) What relevance does this have to the case, Ms Pan'

Peta Pan: (Aside.) None whatsoever, your honour, but it sure does fill in time!

Grinch: Well, I'll be going, then, because now that I've saved your house from combustion, there are plenty more houses that are full of dangerous fire hazards.

Peta Pan: You mean presents to nick.

Grinch: No! I'm a very civic-minded person and I'd be terribly upset if my town burnt down.

3rd Lost Boy: What's this about stealing presents'

Tinkerbell: Apparently, this bloke has been nicking our presents while we've been asleep.

Head Lost Boy: Hey, this one's got my presents in it!

Grinch: Er (taking sack from Lost Boy), actually that is an anti-combustion device, commonly known as a fire extinguisher. 'Tis not to be trifled with in unskilled hands.

Head Lost Boy: Well, it just so happens that I asked for an anti-combustion device for Christmas.

Tinkerbell: Oh-ho, so look what we have here then.

Grinch: Fine, take the extinguisher. Merry Christmas, my good friend. And remember'

[One chorus of the Fire Safety Song]

(Enter Elf.)

Elf: What's all this commotion' I'm trying to sleep. I've got a busy night coming up.

Peta Pan: This vile fiend is stealing our presents and undoing all your good work, kind and fair Elf.

Elf: This isn't 'The Lord of the Rings' ' cut with the kind and fair. Ever since that film, us elves have been typecast as kind and fair. Well actually, we enjoy thinking up particularly cutting insults and nasty tricks to play on people. We also enjoy gambling, drinking and cheating at cards. How's that for kind and fair'

Peta Pan: All right, point taken.

Elf: Just don't forget it. Hold on a second, I know the fellow in the Santa costume. It's the notorious 

Grinch. I remember you back from the 'WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE' posters up in Christmasland during the Seventies.

Grinch: That wasn't me ' that was another fellow dressed as Santa Claus. I had nothing to do with it. In fact, during the time, I was tackling a particularly tricky family who insisted on placing their tree right next to an open log fire.

Elf: A likely story, Grinch. And now you're back to your old tricks.

Peta Pan: Ah-ha, we've got you now Grinch!

Grinch: But I gave that boy my fire extinguisher! Isn't that enough for you people'

Head Lost Boy: Yes, it's a very nice fire extinguisher, but it's not really what I wanted. I was hoping for one filled with carbon dioxide, not foam.

Grinch: Well, I like to keep things festive.

Head Lost Boy: Huh'

Grinch: Foam is red, carbon dioxide is black. Shouldn't you know that if you've researched into which fire extinguisher you wanted'

Head Lost Boy: Er' You nicked our presents!

Lost Boys: Yeah! Get 'im!

(Cops and robbers style chase as Lost Boys try to catch Grinch. Grinch and Lost Boys finally exit.)

Tinkerbell: Should we call the police' I mean, he did break in.

Peta Pan: Nah, I reckon the Lost Boys'll deal with him.

Tinkerbell: And after all, he left the presents, so Christmas is still on.

Elf: Yes, lucky'

Peta Pan: All this shouting and running has made me very tired. I'm afraid I must retire until the morrow.

Tinkerbell: Yeah, me too. Night.

Elf: Don't worry, I'll lock up when I leave'

(Exit Tinkerbell and Peta Pan.)

(Elf looks around to see if coast is clear, then grabs sack of presents and runs away.)

(Lights dim.)

[Ends]

Scene Four (Courtroom)

(Lights up.)

(Atmosphere of tension with ambient music.)

Prosecution: So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you see clear evidence of Mr Grinch's guilt. Not only did he steal Ms Pan and her associates' presents, but he also lied indiscriminately to cover up his actions.

Defence: Oh no he didn't!

Prosecution: Oh yes he did!

Defence: Oh no he-

Judge: (Hits mallet.) Mr Prosecution, Mr Defence. I want you both to apologise to each other.

Defence: (Mumbles.) Sorry, Prosecution. Sorry, your honour. Sorry, everybody.

Judge: (To Prosecution.) And you!

Prosecution: (Mumbles.) Sorry, Defence. Sorry, your honour. Sorry, everybody.

Judge: Now, shake hands.

(They grudgingly shake hands.)

Judge: Back to the case.

Defence: I call my first witness.

Judge: Call the first witness.

Bailiff: First witness!

(Enter the three Jacks.)

Bailiff: Place your right hands on this Bible and repeat after me. 'I, Jack, do solemnly swear to tell the 
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.'

Jacks: (Said simultaneously.) I, Jack, do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Defence: So, Jack, Jack and Jack, please explain your relevance to the proceedings.

Jack B. Nimble: Well, it's like this.

Jack B. Quick: We are freelance Christmas-

Jack N. Jill: -Tree merchants.

Jack B. Nimble: We import Norwegian-

Jack B. Quick: -Firs from Norway and-

Jack N. Jill: -Then sell 'em back to-

Jack B. Nimble: -The Norwegians for-

Jack B. Quick: -Profit!

Jack N. Jill: Simple, really. It's-

Jack B. Nimble: -Called parallel-

Jack B. Quick: -Selling. Highly-

Jack N. Jill: Profitable!

Defence: Okay, Jack, Jack and Jack. Can you tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury and all those gathered here in this court of law about the events of the evening of the 23rd of this year's December'

Jack B. Nimble: Certainly. Well-

Jack B. Quick: We was on our way to the-

Jack N. Jill: -Great Norwegian-

Jack B. Nimble: -Christmas-

Jack B. Quick: -Tree-

Jack N. Jill: -Forest'

(Lights dim.)

[End]

Scene Five (The Great Norwegian Christmas Tree Forest)

[The Christmas Tree Song]

(The three Jacks are creeping about suspiciously. Loud thumping noise sounds.)

Jack B. Nimble: (Surprised.) What was that'

Jack B. Quick: That was you saying, 'What was that''

(Further creeping. Thump sounds again.)

Jack B. Nimble: There it was again!

Jack N. Jill: There what was again'

(Thump. Thumping continues intermittently. Figure creeps across stage dragging along Christmas tree.)

Jack B. Quick: Yes, I heard it. It sounded distinctly like a greater Norwegian fir being cut down.

Jack N. Jill: You mean, one of our greater Norwegian firs.

(Enter random Norwegian.)

Jack B. Nimble: Excuse me, good Norwegian. Is somebody chopping down our greater Norwegian firs'
Norwegian: Ja!

Jack B. Quick: Bytheway, would you be interested in purchasing a greater Norwegian fir'

Jack N. Jill: Makes a lovely Christmas tree.

Norwegian: Ja!

Jack B. Nimble: Comes with free fish.

Norwegian: Fisk'! Ja!

(Exit Norwegian.)

Jack B. Quick: So I wonder who's chopping them down, then.

Jack N. Jill: It best not be that ruddy Del Boy and Rodney again.

Jack B. Nimble: Yeah, they're always stealing our ideas.

Jack B. Quick: Just like the bottled tap water and the inflatable dog scam.

Jack N. Jill: That was a good idea, that was.

Jack B. Nimble: So shall we go and see who it is, lads'

Jack B. Quick: Yeah-

Jack N. Jill: -Why not'

(Further creeping. Thumping stops after a while.)

Jack B. Nimble: It sounded like it was coming from here.

Jack B. Quick: Looks like they've done a runner.

Jack N. Jill: They've padded away on their toes toot-sweet.

Jack B. Nimble: (To the audience.) I wonder where they could be'

(Mysterious figure in red appears behind them briefly.)

[Note: Insert plant in audience.]

Audience: He's behind you!

(Jacks turn around.)

Jack B. Quick:  I don't see anyone.

Jack N. Jill: And where did all that yelling come from'

(Jacks turn back to audience and figure in red appears again.)

Audience: He's behind you!

(Jacks turn around.)

Jack B. Nimble: Jack, do you see anyone' Jack'

(Jacks turn around.)

Jack B. Quick: Nobody here, Jack. Do you see anyone Jack'

Jack N. Jill: No-one at all, Jack.

(Figure appears once again, but lingers long enough to be spotted by Jacks.)

Audience: He's behind you!

(Jacks look around, then turn back.)

Jacks: Oh no he isn't!

Audience: Oh yes he is!

Jacks: Oh no he isn't!

Audience: Oh yes he is!

Jacks: Oh no he isn't!

Audience: Oh yes he is!

(Jacks turn around.)

Jack B Nimble: That's the blighter!

Jack B. Quick: Grab him, Jack!

(Jacks catch figure, who happens to be the Norwegian.)

Jack N. Jill: You again!

Norwegian: Ja!

Jack B. Nimble: What are you doing here'

Norwegian: Fisk!

Jack B. Quick: Don't pull that red herring on me.

(Enter Grinch. Tom Mellors ambles along rehearsing speech, waving pipe.)

Grinch: Did you know that roughly holding Norwegians in Christmas tree forests is a terrible fire hazard' 
It is a well-known fact that Norwegians are prone to spontaneously combust.

Jack N. Jill: Is that a fact'

Grinch: Yes. You see it goes a little something like this'

[Chorus of the Fire Safety Song, with altered Norwegian words] 

Jack B. Nimble: Yeah, right mate.

Jack B. Quick: What kind of fools do you take us for'

Jack N. Jill: We've mastered the art of parallel selling!

Tom: Parallel selling' Any fool could do that.

Grinch: You see, that's the kind of fools I take you for.

Jack B. Nimble: All right, but you're all alone with the three of us and the one of you.

Tom: And me, and that random Norwegian.

Jack B. Quick: Well, anyway, these are our trees and you've been nicking them!

Grinch: No I haven't. I've been safeguarding them against fire. This forest is a great big fire hazard.

(In background, figure drags off another tree.)

(Lights down.)

[End.]

Scene Six  (Bar)

(Lights up. Busy bar scene. Santa and his elves are sitting at a table with sacks of toys looking suspicious. Tom Mellors walks on [with pipe etc.] and stands on soapbox.)

(Enter Jacks. They walk up to bar.)

Jack B. Nimble: A pint of your finest, barkeep.

Barkeep: Twenty pence, please. So anyway, the other day, this grasshopper walks into my bar. I said to him, 'Hey, we've got a drink named after you.' The grasshopper says, (turns to audience) 'What' Doug''

(Comedy drums.)

Jack B. Quick: A pint of bitter, barkeep.

Barkeep: Twenty pence, please. Right, so the other day, this panda walks into the bar. He buys a 
cheese sandwich, he eats it, then all of a sudden, he pulls out this machine gun. I ducks underneath the bar and he proceeds to gun everybody else down. When I emerge, he's just about to leave, so I ask him to explain to his actions. 'Look me up in the dictionary,' he says. So I takes out my trusty dictionary, and it says, (turns to audience) 'Panda: eats shoots and leaves.'

(Comedy drums.)

Jack N Jill: A tequila mockingbird, barkeep.

Barkeep: Thirty quid, please.

Jack N Jill: What' Thirty quid'

Barkeep: I'm trying to run a bar here, not a charity shop.

Jack N Jill: Where's my joke'

Barkeep: Didn't you read the sign'

Jack N Jill: What sign'

Barkeep: The sign above the door. (Turns to audience) 'Free joke with every beer.'

(Comedy drums.)

(Tom begins his speech.)

(A line of Mexicans stand behind Tom. They complete two full Mexican waves, then dancers step forward for salsa routine. Once speech is completed, exit Mellors.)

(Grinch enters and walks up to bar.)
Grinch: A pint of beer, please.

Barkeep: Twenty pence, please. You know what' The other week, this rabbit walks in, comes up to me, and says, 'I'll have a cheese and ham toastie, barkeep.' So I gets it and he eats it and he's off. Next day, same rabbit walks in, comes up and orders the same toastie. And he comes in every day that week, same rabbit. But on Friday, he comes up and he says, 'As it's Friday, I think I'll have a cheese and tomato toastie, fair barlord.' So I gets it, he eats it, then his eyes cross, he falls off the stool and he's dead. Then Harry over there turns to me and says, 'What happened to him'' And I says to Harry, (turns to audience) 'Mixinmatoasties.'

(Comedy drums.)

Harry: That was a weird rabbit, that was. I'll tell you what else is weird. I was trekking through the outback this arvo when all of a sudden I happened upon what looked like every single Christmas tree in the world. I could hear this irate yelling coming from amongst the trees that sounded eerily like a Norwegian being roughly handled, when the trees caught fire. And what kind of buffoon would leave so many dry Christmas trees in the outback in such close proximity to a roughly-handled Norwegian' That's a blatant fire hazard!

Grinch: Speaking of fire hazards, this bar's full of them! Bound to catch fire, what with all these drunk people and alcohol. And look! Free books of matches at the bar! This place is a death trap. 

(Enter Mellors.)

Tom: And another thing'

(Enter Mexican. Mexican grabs Tom and drags him away.)

(Santa walks up to Grinch.)

Santa: You've got a lot of nerve coming here after what you did in the Seventies.

Grinch: Ah, Claus, I might've known'

(They circle round each other, pre-fight style.)

Barkeep: Now, Santa, we don't want any trouble here.

Santa: Well, I can do what I like. It's Christmas Eve, and this is my night. I've had a rough year, what with my court case against Charles Darwin and WG Grace. That'll teach them to steal my beard ' they should've known that it was trademarked by Coca Cola.

Tom: (From offstage.) Capitalists!

Santa: So what brings you to my boozer on this dark Christmas night on the wrong side of town'

Grinch: Who's asking'

Santa: Wise guy, eh' Well, I run this town'

Barkeep: (To audience.) What, Trowbridge'

(Comedy drums.)

Santa: Funny you should say that, but it is a little-known fact that the total number of workplaces in Trowbridge amounts to one-thousand-one-hundred-and-ninety-four, with a growth rate of 4% between 1999 and 2001.

Grinch: Stop stealing my catchphrases, Claus.

Santa: Stop stealing my presents, Grinch.

(Shock-horror music.)

Grinch: How dare you! You know that Dr Seuss made it up. That darn cat ruined my life! If I could get my hands on him, I'd jump all over his hat. With his head still in it.

Santa: I know for a fact that you did steal those presents from Who-ville ' I remember it like it was yesterday ' who's to say that you haven't gone back to your old ways'

Grinch: What are you accusing me of' I'm simply a fire prevention officer, and that is what I have always been.

Santa: Pull the other one, it's got sleigh bells on.

(Grinch pulls rope with sleigh bells on. Enter tap dancers. During dance, Grinch exits stage left. Mysterious figure exits with bags of presents stage right.)

Santa: I wasn't expecting that.

Elf: Boss! Boss! The Grinch's gone!

Santa: (Looks around.) By Joe! You're right. And conveniently, so have the presents. (Looks to audience making power grab.) I've got you now Grinch, and no tap dancers will stop me.

(Santa goes to exit. Tap dancers enter and block his path.)

(Exit all.)

[End.]

Scene Seven (Courtroom)

(Lights up. Courtroom.)

Prosecution: So that's how it happened, eh'

Barkeep: (Turns to audience.) Yeah, he ate the toastie and he was dead.

(Comedy drums.)

Judge: He should've known. 'Tis a tragedy. Any further questions, Mr Prosecution'

Prosecution: The prosecution rests.

(Prosecution sits down. Defence stands up.)

Defence: When Mr Grinch entered the bar, did you notice whether he was carrying anything'

Barkeep: Yes, I believe that he was carrying an empty sack with 'fire safety' written upon it, and a plastic bag full of fire blankets.

Defence: And was anybody else in the bar carrying anything'

Barkeep: Well, Santa and his elves had a few sacks full of toys, but that's understandable as it was Christmas Eve.

Defence: And staying on the subject of Mr Claus, would you say that he is naturally aggressive, or was he acting in the manner you described as a results of being under the influence of excessive sherry and mince pie consumption'

Barkeep: Well, he's always liked a tipple and then a fight, but I wouldn't say that he's aggressive.

Defence: Mm-hmm, I see. The defence rests.

Jury: Hmm. etc. etc.

Judge: Any final words, Mr Prosecution'

(Prosecution stands up.)

Prosecution: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I put it to you that the man brought before you today, 
the aforementioned Mr Grinch, is a low-down dirty thief!

Defence: Objection! My client is not dirty!

Judge: Sustained.

Jury: Hmm. etc. etc.

Prosecution: Sorry, your honour, he's just a plain low-down thief. His crime, as you may have guessed, is the theft of Christmas, a heinous act that he has not done just once, but twice!

Defence: Objection! Innocent until proven guilty.

Judge: Sustained. Let the records state that this trial does not take into account the past acts of the defendant. 

Jury: Hmm. etc. etc.

Prosecution: Sorry, your honour. Imagine, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the downcast and 
disheartened faces of millions of children across the nation as they woke up on a fine Christmas morning with high expectations of the day, only to discover that there are no presents, no tree and no Christmas!

Jury: (Shocked.) Hmm. etc. etc.

Prosecution: That's right. The Prosecution rests.

(Prosecution sits down.)

Judge: Mr [Defence]'

(Defence stands up.)

Defence: Thank you, your honour. The basis of the prosecution's case is that Mr Grinch committed a similar crime to this in his past, so this recent crime must also be his work. This is not so! The Mr Grinch that stands here today is not the thief that he claims to be ' he is just a civic-minded fire prevention officer. Nothing more, nothing less. Imagine this, then, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: the same children that Mr Prosecution mentioned, their facial expressions now changed from downcast to shocked and scared, their houses bursting into flames caused by faulty fairy lights.

Jury: (Shocked.) Hmm. etc. etc.

Defence: And all of this because the defendant was not there to issue the correct fire safety hazard advice. I'll just leave you with that. The defence rests, your honour.

Jury: Hmm. etc. etc.

Judge: So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You will now adjourn to make your decision.

(Jury leave.)

[Big audience participation thing led by cast ' Christmas song singalong]

Tom: Despite all this frivolity, I expect you're wondering what the verdict is. But more importantly, you're wondering when I'm going to lead my rogue band of Mexican knights against our fascist oppressors.

(Mexicans enter and bundle Tom off.)

(Court cast re-enter, apart from Judge.)

Bailiff: Silence in court. All rise for Judge.

(Court cast stand. Judge enters.)

Judge: Foreman, what is your verdict'

(Foreman rises.)

Foreman: Verdict: (dramatic pause, drum roll) guil-

(Suddenly, a mysterious man strangely similar to Santa bursts in.)

Santo: No! Not again! I won't have this halfwit getting the credit for another of my criminal masterpieces.

Judge: Who are you'

Santo: I am Santo Claus, Santa Claus' Spanish brother!

(Gasps all round.)

Santo: Aye, 'tis I who has stolen Christmas, and you'll never get it back!

Judge: I beg your pardon.

Santo: Everyone loves Santa, Santa was always Daddy's favourite, but who was it who drove that sleigh' Who was it who mucked out the reindeer, organised the elves, painted the toys' I did everything! I WAS Christmas! But now it's gone, and you'll never get it back, as I've said before this evening.

Judge: So how did you do it'

Santo: Well, it's simple if you've read Dr Seuss. Unfortunately, I didn't bargain on the Grinch stealing my thunder, not at Who-ville, not now.

Grinch: I told them, Santo! I told them I was only there for fire prevention, but they wouldn't believe me.

Santo: Quit your whining, Grinch. So, how did I do it' While my fat brother had his ample back conveniently turned, I managed to sneak off the Christmas presents of every single child whilst dressed as an elf, and I have deposited them in a safe place that you will never find. I solved the problem of Christmas trees by cutting down every last one and depositing them in the Australian outback. They were soon burnt to a cinder in the extreme heat, catalysed by the spontaneous combustion of a roughly-handled Norwegian. By this time, children across the world were waking up to no tree and no presents. I wish I could have seen their little faces. (Evil laugh.) 

Judge: Thank you, Santo, you've just signed your own life away. Take him away, boys!

(Enter Mexicans. They seize Santo.)

Santo: You may have caught me, but you'll never find the presents! (Evil laugh.)

(Enter policeman.)

Policeman: I found these, and lots more, in the back of his illegally-parked sleigh. (Holds up sacks of toys.)

(Mexicans drag Santo away.)

Judge: Mr Grinch, looks like you're off the hook. You're free to go.

(Much cheering and applause.)

[End]

Scene Eight (the Grinch's Kitchen)

(Cindy-Lou is doing kitchen stuff. Enter Grinch.)

Cindy-Lou: Grinchy, my darling, how was your day'
I thought that they would have put you away.

Grinch: Me too, pud. But it turns out that Santa Claus' evil Spanish brother Santo was behind it all.

Cindy-Lou: Really' Santo'
I thought he was in Trowbridge, doing panto.

Grinch: Merry Christmas, Cindy-Lou.

Cindy-Lou: Merry Christmas, Grinchy-poo.

Grinch: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!

(Enter rest of cast apart from Santo and Mexicans.)

['Christmas is Coming Home']

[End]