ACT ONE

We're in Bath, and it's just after eight o'clock on one of those never-ending evenings that summer can bring us. I say never-ending, but of course by late August, the sun has almost gone by this time. We're outside, at tables backing onto a quiet street. TOBY is sitting drinking a light, innocent glass of white wine, evidently lost in thought.

TOBY: [attempting to quote, but failing, to himself] T'were proclamation of our... No. T'were profanation of our joys, To tell the laity our love. Good [Apparently pleased with this tiny bit of verse, he takes a long draught of the wine] And now, farewell awhile, solitude. Or at least, let me get your hat. Where are the fools?
[He peers, too lazy to get off his well-crafted wickerwork chair. And sees KATY and SHULA ambling towards him]. Hello. Hey. [He isn't sure whether to hug as usual, but decides against it]. How are you? Where's Stephen?

SHULA: I drove!

KATY: She does that now.

TOBY: Of course. So that's why you're here already. But where's Stephen?

SHULA: Oh yeah. Carried away with the drivingness.

KATY: [half-interrupting in the way that a best friend does, knowing the other won't be offended] You should get gloves.

SHULA: Anyway, Stephen... ooh, gloves. Leather gloves!

KATY: With floral imprimatur.

SHULA: Floral im... what? [mock-put out] You with your arty farty costume words and your wildlife stories!

TOBY: [who has been watching with mild amusement but is now more bemused than anything] Wildlife stories?

SHULA: Yeah, we were...

KATY: It's a long story. Tobby only wants to know about Stephen, Shloer...

SHULA: Oh yeah. Mmmm, yes he does seem a bit [over-emphasised, to make the point]interested doesn't he? What have they been doing behind our backs?

KATY: Secretly.

SHULA: What, I should say, has he been doing behind Stephen's back?

TOBY: [Takes a moment to understand this. Is amused, in a Shula-being-crude type way]. Yes, where is Stephen? My heart trembles without him.

KATY: What do you talk about when it's just the two of you?

SHULA: Well Brian just natters on about Caroline, mostly. I'm starting to get suspicious. And the other night when he was well pissed, we were dancing this...

KATY: I meant Stevo, and Toby.

SHULA: Ah. Oh, me again. Sorry. Tobes, (hmmm, Tobes, hee), we were talking about Brian and...

TOBY: Was he the one after Jeremy?

SHULA? After Gerald and before, what? Who the hell is Jeremy?

TOBY: I was just making one up to see if you'd notice. So Stephen.

KATY: So, your obsession.

TOBY: We say little. 'T'were profanation of our joys, to tell the laity our love.'

SHULA: That was nice.

TOBY: Not mine of course. Donne.

KATY: No carry on.

TOBY: No. Donne. D o double n e. An old poet.

KATY: Oh. Fine.

TOBY: I was thinking of him just now as I sipped this Zinfandel, sitting in-

SHULA: DARZ!

SHULA is correct- DARZ and STEPH, in fact, have come skipping up the street. STEPH has fallen over, however, so only Darz is visible until the pile of binbags raises itself into a surprisingly suave looking small figure.

DARZ: [trying to top Shula's enthusiasm in a friendly, slightly mocking way]: SHULA!!

STEPH: What up, ma bitches.

DARZ: Shula, why aren't you drinking?

SHULA: I drove!

KATY: [With a touch of irony towards Toby] She does that now.

TOBY: But where's Stephen?

KATY: Keep quiet about him for just one moment, you're worse than Shula and Brian.

TOBY: Jeremy, you mean.

KATY: Ah yes, Jeremy. Hehe. [This last sentence sounds distinctly odd, as if it was meant to be typed rather than said, but the characters carry on regardless].

DARZ: Katy, why aren't *you* drinking?

KATY: We only just got here.

STEPH: No, *we* only just got here, you morons. Toby, get me a drink.

TOBY: [finishing his glass slightly too quickly, and rising slightly unsteadily]: What can I get everyone? Darz?

DARZ: Red wine would be good. Or, actually [over-enunciating], do you know what? I think I might have a Beer. Do they have those funny named ones here?

TOBY: I'll see what I can do. Steph?

STEPH: JD and coke.

SHULA: I'll have a lemonade.

TOBY: Katty?

KATY: I'll be hands.

TOBY: Excellent.

The two move inside to the small, dark, dingy and incomprehensible pub.

TOBY: In the winter this might be quite cosy, but it doesn't seem to make sense at this time of year.

KATY: It's like two different countries.

TOBY: Night and day, I spose. Oh, beers.

KATY: Here they are. Tinker's Pinch. Over The Moon. Wench's Warmer.

TOBY: Day and night.

BARMAN: [In a scandalously broad, some might say played-for-laughs Somerset accent]: Yorroit thuer?

TOBY: Yes, could I have another glass of the Zinfandel, a JD and coke, a lemonade, an, erm, Over the Moon, and, and [beat] oh, and Katy?

KATY: A Malibu and coke please.

BARMAN: Oznln?

TOBY: Sorry?

BARMAN: [giving the impression of enunciating stupidly clearly]: Oiz'n'lmn?

KATY: [whispered confidentially]: Ice and lemon.

TOBY: Ah. Yes please.

The glasses are being filled.

TOBY: So it was just you and Shula on the way over here then.

KATY: Sorry, no Stephen.

TOBY: So where *is* he?

KATY: Not telling.

TOBY: Hmmm. Very suspicious. Is he breaking up with me?

KATY: He can't stand your snoring any more.

TOBY: And what of your wildlife story?

KATY: Ah, well-

BARMAN: Ozln'n'v'lmnd?

TOBY: [Who's given up trying to understand by now] Yes please.

KATY: We were driving along the road from Calne to Bath, and we saw a big, flapping bird up in the sky.

TOBY: How big? A buzzard?

KATY: Probly, but that's not the really interesting bit. That was what brought on the wildlife comment. Hmm. Shula. So then we went on a bit further, and something crossed the road right in front of us?

TOBY: Rabbit?

KATY: Much bigger. Black and white.

TOBY: A badger?! In daytime?

KATY: It wasn't a badger.

TOBY: Well, I don't know, you tell me.

KATY: Raccoon.

TOBY: [patronisingly]. There aren't any raccoons in Britain.

KATY: Of course there are. I've seen one in Bristol.

TOBY: Yeah, smoking a pipe. Or you watched that show where they wear jumpers. [Suddenly, after being blase about 'The Raccoons', he goes all quiet. Then, half-humming] Run with us, we've got everything we ne-e-eed...

KATY: Tobby!

TOBY: You didn't see a raccoon in Bristol!

KATY: In the zoo.

TOBY: Yeah. Yeah, alright then

KATY: This one escaped and's on the run.

TOBY: Yeah, and is trying to find his parents.

KATY: It was a raccoon.

TOBY: Your eyesight's going.

KATY: Says the glasses-wearing boy.

BARMAN: Freegoi.

KATY: [brightly, all of a sudden, to the barman]Thanks. That's brilliant.

The barman looks wonder-struck, all of a sudden. Probably the highlight of his day. Katy and Toby make their way back out side.

DARZ: [apparently to Shula] You know I'm right.

TOBY: Over the moon, Darz.

DARZ: Thanks, Toby.

STEPH: Thanks. [With that kind of lazy insultingness you come to know and love] Darz, you know Shula still wants to fuck you, and you know you're too handsome to lose, but I'm still right.

SHULA: [flustered, but not really] Steph! That's, just... Hmm, I'm quite tempted to swear off [lemonade appears in front of her], oh thanks, to swear off God right now after that.

Katy and Toby take seats at this confusing melee.

KATY: So what's everyone saying.

STEPH: Shula's a bad Christian.

DARZ: Which is fine, cos it's all just a story.

TOBY: [too quietly for anyone to pay attention, in the scene at least] What isn't?

SHULA: I don't know. I think people should be good to others, and I think they should enjoy themselves.

DARZ: Thinking of Brian here.

SHULA: Shut up.

STEPH: Yeah, anyone can think that crap. It's about Jesus suffering, and being beaten, and crying out for help.

TOBY: All the blood. It's a Tarantino film.

STEPH: You know it's about how nasty people are. And how good someone else could be. But it's still true. Jesus saves. And we crucified him. Believe.

SHULA: I believe.

KATY: [high horse] So why didn't you believe the raccoon?!

TOBY: Oh, yeah.

SHULA: *You* know about the raccoon now?

STEPH: What bloody raccoon?

SHULA: Katy says I almost ran over a raccoon when I was driving.

TOBY: And what do you think?

SHULA: I couldn't see. I was driving. I think it was probably a confused badger.

DARZ: See, why do you believe in an alien from Saturn making everything ever, but not in a little furry animal?

STEPH: Because God is faith, and raccoons live in America.

KATY: This one was escaped from a zoo.

STEPH: Yeah right.

KATY: More likely than God.

TOBY: [who has spent the last page or so drinking rather faster and becoming almost mesmerised by this conversation] Is God really an alien?

DARZ: There are no aliens. It's all physics geeks with hacksaws.

STEPH: Like Shires

DARZ: [turns on a dime from cynic to enthusiast] Shiremonator, Shire-

TOBY, STEPH: [join in, rowdily]-monator, Shirem-

SHULA, KATY: [obviously decide it's a quiet enough street]-onator, Shiremonator -monator -monator, Shiremonator, Shiremonator, rushing a rushing a rushing, rushing around.

Vague cheers and shouting.

TOBY: I should have just bought a bottle. It would have been cheaper. [Disappears indoors]

STEPH: So, where's Gorgeous?

SHULA: He'll be turning up in a minute. He's coming from Cambridge.

STEPH: Why? 'S'he gone back to see his friends again.

SHULA: He's got a research scholarship.

DARZ: Wow. How come he never told anyone?

SHULA: All quite recent, start immediately, thought there must have been some error.

KATY: Didn't want to believe in himself.

SHULA: But I was allowed to tell you tonight. So there we go.

STEPH: I bloody love Maloney. He's totally totally ace.

DARZ: [mock-reflexively] Shut up, Steph. [pause]. Well, someone had to say it. [Pause]. You alright Katy.

KATY: Yeah. [Hurriedly]It was a raccoon. Believe. [Turns to Shula, now playing Steph] Believe. Raccoons are totally ace.

STEPH: Hey! Stupid vegetarians.

SHULA: You want me to believe it just because it's exciting.

STEPH: No, she wants you to believe it because it changes life. It makes it better. It makes it meaningful.

DARZ: Life can still be meaningful. We don't have to pray to the Alien-Monster to make it so.

KATY: I think God is a raccoon.

SHULA: Makes sense to me.

At which point, TOBY reappears. This time carrying a bottle of white wine, and looking dilapidated.

TOBY: So I figured it out.

KATY: [indulgently, pretending, as is obvious to the other three, and is played for laughs, to think Toby is completely sober] Yes, I'm sure you did. So does God exist?

TOBY: No, no.

STEPH: Fuck off.

TOBY: No, I mean, not about God. About tonight. It's about the moon.

And turning behind them now, the other four, the four who didn't just walk onto stage and then upstage, notice the circular white light beamed onto the back wall of the theatre, or the torch making a round white mark on wherever the hell we perform this thing. The moon has risen. And it looks beautiful.

Meanwhile, Toby has rather oddly sat down at the next table along. Still within speaking distance but divorced a little

TOBY: [quite well, at least for a drunkard, but loudly] "Dull sublunary lovers' love/ (Whose love is sense) can not admit/ Absence, because it doth remove/ Those things that elemented it".

KATY: Meaning?

TOBY: It's Donne.

SHULA: The poet.

DARZ: When did Shula start reading poetry?

TOBY: But it's about love. It's about Stephen and me, or Shula and Jeremy.

SHULA: I think you mean Brian.

TOBY: [just drunk enough to pull this off]: No, no. Jeremy.

STEPH: Toby and Maloney?

TOBY: And it's about people who are too boring, too carnal, to love when they're not together.

KATY: But absence makes the heart grow fonder.

TOBY: Yes, for people who love each others' souls, not just their bodies.

STEPH: How horribly twee.

TOBY: It's metaphysical junk. Forget it. The point is 'dull sublunary'.

DARZ: What's sublunary?

SHULA: [Getting there first]. Sub is under. Lennar? Lunnar. Ah, moon. Lovers under the moon.

TOBY: Yeah, night and day. [Looks at Katy with embarrassing triumph, which comes across as slightly creepy]. So under the moon, everything's dull.

KATY: But under the sun, everything's fine?

DARZ: No, that's not what he means. He means the opposite is 'Over the Moon', the beer.

TOBY: What?

DARZ: That beer you got me. 'Over the Moon'.

TOBY: I'd forgotten that. Or did I get something mixed up. [Settles back into drunken stupor]

SHULA: [These next few lines need to be said at pace, almost over each other, or they'll come across as dreadfully silly] But if you're over the moon, you're happy. And happy in love.

STEPH: Able to believe in God.

KATY: Or just a raccoon.

DARZ: Or just a beer.

TOBY: Or just Stephen.

DARZ: Surely you mean even Stephen?

And amidst all this lunacy, (moon-ness, indeed), here comes what only Toby, still sitting at the next table along in his drunkenness, has seen. Here comes Stephen.

And, spontaneously, the rowdy singing becomes a kind of half-orchestrated applause. With cheering. Toby, sitting on his table all alone, not knowing what's going on, looks at Stephen with complete bafflement. But it's Stephen who says:

STEPHEN [smiling]: So, what did I miss?

THE END

TCH